Don't Forget to Breathe

Today was the 6th day of 5th grade for Tuesday and the first day of homework.  I've been wondering how the homework would go for her.  Last year she had a tendency to have a pretty hard time with homework. When she gets confused or frustrated she doesn't yet have the mechanisms for working herself through it.  Simple questions like "So is 16 more or less than negative 10?" become cause for tears and "I don't know."  Assignments with 10 questions on them can take an hour and a half to complete.

I know that self doubt.  Sometimes looking at Tuesday is eerily like holding up a mirror to my memory of my childhood self.  So incredibly confident and graceful in some areas and awkward and so unsure in others.  I don't know what caused me to feel that way as a kid.  Worse in this situation, I don't know what helped me grow out of it.

Its hard to see that doubt in Tuesday.  Its hard to see things that are hard for her and not be able to fix them for her.  She's still too young for me to have a heart to heart about this stuff with.  Or maybe she isn't.  Maybe that would be a good start.

Its not the learning--she's great at learning.  Its the following directions and writing neatly and staying focused until its done that seem to be her primary struggles.  I think if we were to homeschool, we could remove those obstacles by disguising the learning as play.  There are lots of things that I think would be really great about homeschooling. 

On the other hand, part of growing up, part of learning is learning that frustration is part of life.  While its not pretty, its an important lesson to learn.  It is important to learn to read and follow directions.  It is important to be able to absorb information and relay it back to someone.  These aren't just silly homework assignments and they're not just rote memorization--they're building blocks and they're important.  To decide to homeschool in an effort to protect her from that frustration would be to do the kid a disservice.

So on this first day of homework, I find myself getting stressed out.  Here it is, only the first day of assignments.  We've got probably another 150 days like this in 5th grade alone.  Can I stand being the bad guy for all of that?  When is it appropriate to praise?  When do consequences come in?  How many days in a row am I going to let her stay up an hour past her bedtime to finish her homework?  Is it wrong to let her continue soccer if she can't get the homework done ahead of time?  Its difficult for me.  I want to be a great mom.  Not passable, but really great.  And not in her mind, or his mind, or in the Hubs mind but in MY mind.  Its not just a matter of recognizing when I've fallen short.  Great parenting is recognizing when the potential for falling short is present and learning to avoid it.  Being able to forgive myself is really good, not having to forgive myself, hell, being able to pat myself on the back for a job well done is even better.  If I'm going to be great at this, I need to have a plan and some answers for these questions I ask myself which leads me back to just feeling sort of stressed.

To be honest, Tuesday is getting much better about her homework.  In 3rd grade, the fits were occasionally punctuated by stomping feet, screaming, yelling, breaking pencils and throwing things.  4th grade saw more lip biting and tears than projectiles.  The first homework of 5th grade apparently warranted some lip biting and some holding back of tears.  What was really cool, though, was the breathing.  Instead of getting herself so worked up, she stopped, took three good deep breaths and let them out slowly.  She did great.  We had worked on this last school year and she remembered!  Not only did she remember to breathe but she actually DID it.

My dad has always been a big fan of breathing.  Ha, who isn't?  It was Frankie who taught me my first meditation skills.  Meditation is the best cure for poor perspective.  Nothing gives me what I need like taking a few minutes to come back to my center--to close down for a few minutes--to step out of what I'm so involved in and just stop.  There is no better way to look at things with fresh, clear eyes.  That Tuesday remembered that one, without having to be reminded, was really impressive.

Now, she couldn't remember to bring her school books home to help her answer her homework questions today.  And last week, she couldn't remember that she is supposed to come straight home from school, or that she's supposed to be here on time.  Perhaps she's right though.  Perhaps it is important to remember the lesson and take the time to catch MY breath.  Three good ones in.....and out.....

Perhaps that'll help me find the perspective I need to ensure that I keep parenting in a way that I can be proud of.