Waiting

I keep thinking this should all feel harder, somehow. 

John is on his way back to the refinery outside Chicago to setup the equipment that isn't in the Butte office anymore.  He'll be back on Friday.  In the meantime, he may figure out if he's going to be contracting for the new owners.  He may not find out this week or he may not wind up working for them at all.  At this point, he has no work lined up, just a series of avenues he's going to pursue. 

I keep wondering why I'm not more stressed out by all of this.  I keep wondering if I should be more worked up.  Perhaps that's a waste of time, though.  Perhaps, like usual, its all going to work itself out for the best. 

For now, I'm enjoying the fact that we're all happy, (mostly) healthy and that John and I are able to provide for our family.  Note to self: the rest is just gravy. 

Keep reminding me, if I forget.  Who knows how long I'm going to be sitting with all of this!

Cooking and Satisfaction

This week was insane.  I worked my butt off this week.  I saw more clients, dealt with more issues, ordered more stuff, worked earlier and later than normal...  All told, it was a helluva week.

Add into that soccer, preschool, 5th grade meet-the-teacher breakfast and John's strep throat and it really was a whirlwind of a week.

To celebrate the respite, and because John wasn't up to much, I decided to make us a nice dinner last night.  Thought some Thai Curried Chicken and rice sounded great.  But I know my kids and I know they're not going to get anywhere near spicy curry, so I thought I'd be the good mom and make something they'd enjoy, too.  So along with the Thai Chicken, I decided to make homemade curried Mac and Cheese (thank you, Paula for the recipe!) 

Because John wasn't feeling well, I went to pick up Cooper from daycare, once the computers I was repairing got to self-sufficient places.  After getting him came the trips to two different stores (Safeway has decided NOT to carry coconut milk anymore.  WTF?!?)  Once the shopping was done the chopping and cooking began.  In the meantime, Tuesday asked if she could have dinner with a friend.  Well, why not.  So off she went.  When dinner was ready, nearly three hours after I left to pick up Cooper, Coop decided that he doesn't like my mac and cheese.  Which he did like the last time he ate it.  And John finished snarfing down his dinner in about four minutes. 

So my effort to make my family a nice dinner was sort of a wash.  Tuesday didn't eat it, Cooper didn't eat it and I'm pretty sure John didn't taste it on the way down.  And you know what?  Who cares?!?  I had a great time cooking.  My stomach is growling at the promise of leftovers tonight.  Tuesday will eat it and if Cooper wants to complain, he can go to bed without dinner.  I had a lot of fun and the rest of them can go pound sand.

Happy end to a stressful week.

Let me know if you'd like either of the recipes.  Both were just great.

Is It Really This Simple?

Who knew?!?

Credit goes to TypCut  http://www.typcut.com/ for laying it out so clearly.  Almost as straightforward and useful as the Handy Bacon Flowchart we all know and love. 

Stability

As many of my friends know, these last couple of years have been a pretty wild ride for our family.  We started last year with the loss of my sister, spent the rest of the year--and part of this--fighting for custody of her daughter, and less than a week after that fight was won, my husband lost his job.

We've spent much of this year with his employment situation being, well, fluid, I guess.  And in a lot of ways, that has been really fun for us.  We've seen the Hub more this year than we have for a long time.  He's been really relaxed and has helped us really connect as a family.  So on the one hand, its been really great. 

On the other hand,.

Its really freaking stressful not knowing if a job is going to open up or not.  And if so, when?  And will it make him happy?  And will we really be able to stay here, like we say is very important to us? 

The auction on his company comes next week.  By October 2nd, he'll be unemployed again.  This is fine and we've known its coming.  Its not a shock and its not going to ruin our lives.  He'll have unemployment if he needs.  He won't have medical insurance, which is a problem I'm working on now. 

I worry about his happiness.  I worry about our financial stability.  I worry that I may be the only one with an income, which isn't what I signed up for.  I worry that when he does find something, it won't pay anywhere near as well and we'll have a big lifestyle change. 

I know that I can't influence anything that's going to happen.  I also know that stressing over it isn't going to change any of it, or make the time go any quicker.  I know if the time did go quicker, I'd be missing out on some things (like Cooper's shiner the other night!) and I don't want to do that.

I'm actually not saying that I want anything to be different at this point.  I am however looking forward to seeing what's around the corner for us.  And when it gets here, I wonder how much stability it'll really lend to our lives.  Is there such a thing as stability in a life or in a family or is everything except love just in a constant state of flux?

Don't Forget to Breathe

Today was the 6th day of 5th grade for Tuesday and the first day of homework.  I've been wondering how the homework would go for her.  Last year she had a tendency to have a pretty hard time with homework. When she gets confused or frustrated she doesn't yet have the mechanisms for working herself through it.  Simple questions like "So is 16 more or less than negative 10?" become cause for tears and "I don't know."  Assignments with 10 questions on them can take an hour and a half to complete.

I know that self doubt.  Sometimes looking at Tuesday is eerily like holding up a mirror to my memory of my childhood self.  So incredibly confident and graceful in some areas and awkward and so unsure in others.  I don't know what caused me to feel that way as a kid.  Worse in this situation, I don't know what helped me grow out of it.

Its hard to see that doubt in Tuesday.  Its hard to see things that are hard for her and not be able to fix them for her.  She's still too young for me to have a heart to heart about this stuff with.  Or maybe she isn't.  Maybe that would be a good start.

Its not the learning--she's great at learning.  Its the following directions and writing neatly and staying focused until its done that seem to be her primary struggles.  I think if we were to homeschool, we could remove those obstacles by disguising the learning as play.  There are lots of things that I think would be really great about homeschooling. 

On the other hand, part of growing up, part of learning is learning that frustration is part of life.  While its not pretty, its an important lesson to learn.  It is important to learn to read and follow directions.  It is important to be able to absorb information and relay it back to someone.  These aren't just silly homework assignments and they're not just rote memorization--they're building blocks and they're important.  To decide to homeschool in an effort to protect her from that frustration would be to do the kid a disservice.

So on this first day of homework, I find myself getting stressed out.  Here it is, only the first day of assignments.  We've got probably another 150 days like this in 5th grade alone.  Can I stand being the bad guy for all of that?  When is it appropriate to praise?  When do consequences come in?  How many days in a row am I going to let her stay up an hour past her bedtime to finish her homework?  Is it wrong to let her continue soccer if she can't get the homework done ahead of time?  Its difficult for me.  I want to be a great mom.  Not passable, but really great.  And not in her mind, or his mind, or in the Hubs mind but in MY mind.  Its not just a matter of recognizing when I've fallen short.  Great parenting is recognizing when the potential for falling short is present and learning to avoid it.  Being able to forgive myself is really good, not having to forgive myself, hell, being able to pat myself on the back for a job well done is even better.  If I'm going to be great at this, I need to have a plan and some answers for these questions I ask myself which leads me back to just feeling sort of stressed.

To be honest, Tuesday is getting much better about her homework.  In 3rd grade, the fits were occasionally punctuated by stomping feet, screaming, yelling, breaking pencils and throwing things.  4th grade saw more lip biting and tears than projectiles.  The first homework of 5th grade apparently warranted some lip biting and some holding back of tears.  What was really cool, though, was the breathing.  Instead of getting herself so worked up, she stopped, took three good deep breaths and let them out slowly.  She did great.  We had worked on this last school year and she remembered!  Not only did she remember to breathe but she actually DID it.

My dad has always been a big fan of breathing.  Ha, who isn't?  It was Frankie who taught me my first meditation skills.  Meditation is the best cure for poor perspective.  Nothing gives me what I need like taking a few minutes to come back to my center--to close down for a few minutes--to step out of what I'm so involved in and just stop.  There is no better way to look at things with fresh, clear eyes.  That Tuesday remembered that one, without having to be reminded, was really impressive.

Now, she couldn't remember to bring her school books home to help her answer her homework questions today.  And last week, she couldn't remember that she is supposed to come straight home from school, or that she's supposed to be here on time.  Perhaps she's right though.  Perhaps it is important to remember the lesson and take the time to catch MY breath.  Three good ones in.....and out.....

Perhaps that'll help me find the perspective I need to ensure that I keep parenting in a way that I can be proud of. 

Spare Some Change

This Labor Day weekend was the clean-out-the-cabin-for-the-remodel weekend.  We did great, with a lot of help from our friends.  The cabin is ready to be gutted and converted into a house.  While this is certainly very exciting for Hub's folks, its just a little bit sad for us.  No more green shag in the living room, no more running to the basement to use the oven, no more filthy, exuberant children and dogs running all over the place.  No more hearing everything going on in the bathrooms...  Its a big change.

And big changes are in the works at home, too.  Hubs has just just over a week until the auction on the company.  Once that's done, who knows what his employment future holds. 

This isn't the first time we've dealt with this employment status thing.  I can't imagine it'll be the last either.  We joke around here that the most stable thing we've got is the complete lack of stability.  Ha ha, right?  Between Hubs' job changes and schooling, my starting a business, us starting and expanding our family...  Like most people's lives, it often feels like we're living in this state of flux.  Mostly I think we do pretty well with that but sometimes, I could really use a break.  A little consistency and stability would be pretty cool sometimes.

So as the crazy old green shag carpeting goes, so goes Hubs' job.  In the place of the shag will be something classier, something Nicer.  I hope we can say the same for Hubs' employment.

Best Part of The Day

Every night at bedtime, when we're kissing and tucking kids in, we ask a very basic, very wonderful question.

This tradition began before we had kids and was completely stolen from my dear friend Wendy.  Wendy and her husband Jeffrey stayed with me during a move when I still lived Back East.  When I heard it, it resonated somewhere deep in me.

"What was the best part of your day?" Wendy asked Jeffrey.

Holy Crap. 

What a wonderful and simple way to share something with someone you love.  What a great opportunity to show interest in someone you love.  And what a great way to end your day--by thinking back over the course of events, reflecting on the day, and selecting and describing the Best Part.

Sometimes I'm surpised by Hub's answer.  Sometimes he's surprised by mine.  And the kids always surprise me. 

Tonight, for example, Coop said "Trying the asparagus.  That was awesome!  What's in asparagus anyway?"

Tuesday's Best Part?  Going to school.

Double whammy.  You know those times when you're really proud that their yours?  Yeah.  Big time.