The Good, The Bad and The Swine Flu

On Wednesday this week, Tuesday woke up with a fever and a cough.  I thought she'd probably come down with the strep throat that John and I each took a turn with recently.  Turns out, I was right.  But in addition, she's also got swine flu.

So there are antibiotics for the strep, Tamiflu for the flu, lots of hand washing and a great deal of time in her room. 

I had already called the school to tell them she'd be out on Wednesday.  I had to call them back to let them know that she'd be out for the rest of the week instead.  Armed with my first doctor's note, I headed over to the school after class was done, to pick up her assignments.  Boy, was that an enlightening trip.  Turns out, Tuesday has been less than truthful when it comes to her homework, of late.  Now, we're not even quite done with the first quarter and yet, she's now got a whole list of assignments she failed to turn in.  Needless to say, all books came home and there were big discussions to be had.

I took some time to think over how to handle it.  What's the goal?  The goal is to have strong trust and open communication between all the members of our family.  So what's the best way to help her see where she is now and where the rest of us are?  Do we try to convey to her how it makes us feel when she tells lies?  Do we yell at her?  I spent a lot of time thinking before I opened my mouth at all to her.

To her credit, when caught in her lies, she fessed up immediately.  Explained that she didn't want to do her homework.  She wanted to play with her friends instead.  In fourth grade, there wasn't a whole lot of time for playing after school.  This year, with the lighter homework load, it was pretty doable.  Or so we thought.

The conversation progressed.  We explained the value of trust and what she'd lost by lying to us.  How hard she was going to have to work to gain our trust back.  We talked about the work she needed to complete and take back to school when she got better.  We talked about her attitude to her school work.  We also talked about her punishment, which we feel is very fair.  She knows she's now got two weeks to make some big improvements in how she behaves and if she succeeds, her life will get a little more fun.  If she doesn't do a good job starting to earn our trust back, I told her that I would get myself WAY more involved in her life--not give her a single opportunity to lie to me.  I told her that this is because I love her, not because she's being punished. 

And with all of that off to a good start, she told me that the lie didn't sit well in her stomach.  That she's glad its out.  She didn't freak out about her punishment, although it was pretty clear that the further consequences would bother the heck out of her. 

The part that has me a little freaked out is the wondering how I missed her lies.  I was the kind of kid who would lie about homework.  I was mostly the kind of kid who wasn't asked about homework, but if asked, I imagine I could lie pretty easily.  So how the hell is it that I couldn't smell her lies a mile away.  I was onto one of them, but I didn't push it far enough.  Too much distance between me and her teacher.  Well, not anymore. 

All told, I think we handled things pretty well.  We didn't yell, we explained the consequences of her actions, we explained what we expected of her and what kind of behavior is and is not okay.  We talked about why it all mattered so much and the value of trust in a family.

It may seem like a big day for a kid with the swine flu but you'd be surprised--it comes off much more like a cold than a flu.  She's laughing and running around, reading and playing.  She's very much like her regular old self.

Yesterday she got up and got started on her homework.  John was home with her while I was out at work and Cooper was at daycare.  It was about 10.30 when I got the call.  Cooper has a fever.

Turns out, Coop has the flu, too.  And he also is now on Tamiflu and doing remarkably well for someone fluish. 

He wandered downstairs yesterday while Tuesday was in her room working on her homework.  He was bummed because he didn't have any homework to do.  A quick trip to the store for a letters and numbers activity book has repaired that.  He's very excited to sit down with us now and work on his assignments. 

Tuesday was told last night that she needed to come up with a plan for how she was going to get all of her assignments for this week done by Sunday.  I was actually impressed--she made herself a spreadsheet!  The girl made out a spreadsheet to separate the days of the week and which assignments she was going to do each day.  That's pretty freaking cool.  We spent a little time with her spreadsheet, made a couple of tweaks and had a total plan before bedtime last night.

So this morning, she's already eaten her breakfast, taken her medicine and decided on her own to get her butt upstairs to get cracking on her work.  We'll see how well it goes, but its certainly off to a good start.

Every day is littered with opportunities to excel or crash and burn in the parenting department.  It a lot of freaking work to try to make good decisions all the time.  And to reevaluate the decisions you've already made, looking for room for improvement.  I find places I could have done better sometimes and when I do, I try to remember them for the future.  I don't' beat myself up about them, but I hang onto them.  This week's round of lying I think we handled well and I'm proud of it. 

I still have no idea what I'm doing as a parent.  After nearly two years with Tuesday I feel like I'm starting to define my thesis for raising a girl.  I'm establishing the framework I want to have in place for being a good parent to a daughter. I'm learning, and I'm proud of that.

I know she's learning, too.  She's learning a lot about behaviors, about lifestyles, about decision making, about love and trust...  She's got a pretty full plate and she's got the tools at her disposal to make her way through all of it. 

I don't worry about her in the long term.  Not yet anyway.  I worry about her short term decision making, but I don't worry about her heart or her morals.  She's a very compassionate girl but she's also reckless.  She's going to have to learn how to control some of that as she gets older.

Every one of the challenges we face together is an opportunity to grow stronger as individuals and as a family.  As long as we keep our focus in the right place, we're going to be fine.  All of us.  Together.

Waiting

I keep thinking this should all feel harder, somehow. 

John is on his way back to the refinery outside Chicago to setup the equipment that isn't in the Butte office anymore.  He'll be back on Friday.  In the meantime, he may figure out if he's going to be contracting for the new owners.  He may not find out this week or he may not wind up working for them at all.  At this point, he has no work lined up, just a series of avenues he's going to pursue. 

I keep wondering why I'm not more stressed out by all of this.  I keep wondering if I should be more worked up.  Perhaps that's a waste of time, though.  Perhaps, like usual, its all going to work itself out for the best. 

For now, I'm enjoying the fact that we're all happy, (mostly) healthy and that John and I are able to provide for our family.  Note to self: the rest is just gravy. 

Keep reminding me, if I forget.  Who knows how long I'm going to be sitting with all of this!

Cooking and Satisfaction

This week was insane.  I worked my butt off this week.  I saw more clients, dealt with more issues, ordered more stuff, worked earlier and later than normal...  All told, it was a helluva week.

Add into that soccer, preschool, 5th grade meet-the-teacher breakfast and John's strep throat and it really was a whirlwind of a week.

To celebrate the respite, and because John wasn't up to much, I decided to make us a nice dinner last night.  Thought some Thai Curried Chicken and rice sounded great.  But I know my kids and I know they're not going to get anywhere near spicy curry, so I thought I'd be the good mom and make something they'd enjoy, too.  So along with the Thai Chicken, I decided to make homemade curried Mac and Cheese (thank you, Paula for the recipe!) 

Because John wasn't feeling well, I went to pick up Cooper from daycare, once the computers I was repairing got to self-sufficient places.  After getting him came the trips to two different stores (Safeway has decided NOT to carry coconut milk anymore.  WTF?!?)  Once the shopping was done the chopping and cooking began.  In the meantime, Tuesday asked if she could have dinner with a friend.  Well, why not.  So off she went.  When dinner was ready, nearly three hours after I left to pick up Cooper, Coop decided that he doesn't like my mac and cheese.  Which he did like the last time he ate it.  And John finished snarfing down his dinner in about four minutes. 

So my effort to make my family a nice dinner was sort of a wash.  Tuesday didn't eat it, Cooper didn't eat it and I'm pretty sure John didn't taste it on the way down.  And you know what?  Who cares?!?  I had a great time cooking.  My stomach is growling at the promise of leftovers tonight.  Tuesday will eat it and if Cooper wants to complain, he can go to bed without dinner.  I had a lot of fun and the rest of them can go pound sand.

Happy end to a stressful week.

Let me know if you'd like either of the recipes.  Both were just great.

Is It Really This Simple?

Who knew?!?

Credit goes to TypCut  http://www.typcut.com/ for laying it out so clearly.  Almost as straightforward and useful as the Handy Bacon Flowchart we all know and love. 

Stability

As many of my friends know, these last couple of years have been a pretty wild ride for our family.  We started last year with the loss of my sister, spent the rest of the year--and part of this--fighting for custody of her daughter, and less than a week after that fight was won, my husband lost his job.

We've spent much of this year with his employment situation being, well, fluid, I guess.  And in a lot of ways, that has been really fun for us.  We've seen the Hub more this year than we have for a long time.  He's been really relaxed and has helped us really connect as a family.  So on the one hand, its been really great. 

On the other hand,.

Its really freaking stressful not knowing if a job is going to open up or not.  And if so, when?  And will it make him happy?  And will we really be able to stay here, like we say is very important to us? 

The auction on his company comes next week.  By October 2nd, he'll be unemployed again.  This is fine and we've known its coming.  Its not a shock and its not going to ruin our lives.  He'll have unemployment if he needs.  He won't have medical insurance, which is a problem I'm working on now. 

I worry about his happiness.  I worry about our financial stability.  I worry that I may be the only one with an income, which isn't what I signed up for.  I worry that when he does find something, it won't pay anywhere near as well and we'll have a big lifestyle change. 

I know that I can't influence anything that's going to happen.  I also know that stressing over it isn't going to change any of it, or make the time go any quicker.  I know if the time did go quicker, I'd be missing out on some things (like Cooper's shiner the other night!) and I don't want to do that.

I'm actually not saying that I want anything to be different at this point.  I am however looking forward to seeing what's around the corner for us.  And when it gets here, I wonder how much stability it'll really lend to our lives.  Is there such a thing as stability in a life or in a family or is everything except love just in a constant state of flux?

Don't Forget to Breathe

Today was the 6th day of 5th grade for Tuesday and the first day of homework.  I've been wondering how the homework would go for her.  Last year she had a tendency to have a pretty hard time with homework. When she gets confused or frustrated she doesn't yet have the mechanisms for working herself through it.  Simple questions like "So is 16 more or less than negative 10?" become cause for tears and "I don't know."  Assignments with 10 questions on them can take an hour and a half to complete.

I know that self doubt.  Sometimes looking at Tuesday is eerily like holding up a mirror to my memory of my childhood self.  So incredibly confident and graceful in some areas and awkward and so unsure in others.  I don't know what caused me to feel that way as a kid.  Worse in this situation, I don't know what helped me grow out of it.

Its hard to see that doubt in Tuesday.  Its hard to see things that are hard for her and not be able to fix them for her.  She's still too young for me to have a heart to heart about this stuff with.  Or maybe she isn't.  Maybe that would be a good start.

Its not the learning--she's great at learning.  Its the following directions and writing neatly and staying focused until its done that seem to be her primary struggles.  I think if we were to homeschool, we could remove those obstacles by disguising the learning as play.  There are lots of things that I think would be really great about homeschooling. 

On the other hand, part of growing up, part of learning is learning that frustration is part of life.  While its not pretty, its an important lesson to learn.  It is important to learn to read and follow directions.  It is important to be able to absorb information and relay it back to someone.  These aren't just silly homework assignments and they're not just rote memorization--they're building blocks and they're important.  To decide to homeschool in an effort to protect her from that frustration would be to do the kid a disservice.

So on this first day of homework, I find myself getting stressed out.  Here it is, only the first day of assignments.  We've got probably another 150 days like this in 5th grade alone.  Can I stand being the bad guy for all of that?  When is it appropriate to praise?  When do consequences come in?  How many days in a row am I going to let her stay up an hour past her bedtime to finish her homework?  Is it wrong to let her continue soccer if she can't get the homework done ahead of time?  Its difficult for me.  I want to be a great mom.  Not passable, but really great.  And not in her mind, or his mind, or in the Hubs mind but in MY mind.  Its not just a matter of recognizing when I've fallen short.  Great parenting is recognizing when the potential for falling short is present and learning to avoid it.  Being able to forgive myself is really good, not having to forgive myself, hell, being able to pat myself on the back for a job well done is even better.  If I'm going to be great at this, I need to have a plan and some answers for these questions I ask myself which leads me back to just feeling sort of stressed.

To be honest, Tuesday is getting much better about her homework.  In 3rd grade, the fits were occasionally punctuated by stomping feet, screaming, yelling, breaking pencils and throwing things.  4th grade saw more lip biting and tears than projectiles.  The first homework of 5th grade apparently warranted some lip biting and some holding back of tears.  What was really cool, though, was the breathing.  Instead of getting herself so worked up, she stopped, took three good deep breaths and let them out slowly.  She did great.  We had worked on this last school year and she remembered!  Not only did she remember to breathe but she actually DID it.

My dad has always been a big fan of breathing.  Ha, who isn't?  It was Frankie who taught me my first meditation skills.  Meditation is the best cure for poor perspective.  Nothing gives me what I need like taking a few minutes to come back to my center--to close down for a few minutes--to step out of what I'm so involved in and just stop.  There is no better way to look at things with fresh, clear eyes.  That Tuesday remembered that one, without having to be reminded, was really impressive.

Now, she couldn't remember to bring her school books home to help her answer her homework questions today.  And last week, she couldn't remember that she is supposed to come straight home from school, or that she's supposed to be here on time.  Perhaps she's right though.  Perhaps it is important to remember the lesson and take the time to catch MY breath.  Three good ones in.....and out.....

Perhaps that'll help me find the perspective I need to ensure that I keep parenting in a way that I can be proud of. 

Spare Some Change

This Labor Day weekend was the clean-out-the-cabin-for-the-remodel weekend.  We did great, with a lot of help from our friends.  The cabin is ready to be gutted and converted into a house.  While this is certainly very exciting for Hub's folks, its just a little bit sad for us.  No more green shag in the living room, no more running to the basement to use the oven, no more filthy, exuberant children and dogs running all over the place.  No more hearing everything going on in the bathrooms...  Its a big change.

And big changes are in the works at home, too.  Hubs has just just over a week until the auction on the company.  Once that's done, who knows what his employment future holds. 

This isn't the first time we've dealt with this employment status thing.  I can't imagine it'll be the last either.  We joke around here that the most stable thing we've got is the complete lack of stability.  Ha ha, right?  Between Hubs' job changes and schooling, my starting a business, us starting and expanding our family...  Like most people's lives, it often feels like we're living in this state of flux.  Mostly I think we do pretty well with that but sometimes, I could really use a break.  A little consistency and stability would be pretty cool sometimes.

So as the crazy old green shag carpeting goes, so goes Hubs' job.  In the place of the shag will be something classier, something Nicer.  I hope we can say the same for Hubs' employment.

Best Part of The Day

Every night at bedtime, when we're kissing and tucking kids in, we ask a very basic, very wonderful question.

This tradition began before we had kids and was completely stolen from my dear friend Wendy.  Wendy and her husband Jeffrey stayed with me during a move when I still lived Back East.  When I heard it, it resonated somewhere deep in me.

"What was the best part of your day?" Wendy asked Jeffrey.

Holy Crap. 

What a wonderful and simple way to share something with someone you love.  What a great opportunity to show interest in someone you love.  And what a great way to end your day--by thinking back over the course of events, reflecting on the day, and selecting and describing the Best Part.

Sometimes I'm surpised by Hub's answer.  Sometimes he's surprised by mine.  And the kids always surprise me. 

Tonight, for example, Coop said "Trying the asparagus.  That was awesome!  What's in asparagus anyway?"

Tuesday's Best Part?  Going to school.

Double whammy.  You know those times when you're really proud that their yours?  Yeah.  Big time.

Back To It

Today was the big day.  Up at 6.18 this morning, after not falling asleep until almost midnight.  Kids up at 7, which went over about as well as you'd expect.  Oddly enough (note the sarcasm here) it only took Tuesday 30 of her 60 minutes before school to pick out her outfit for the day. 

It was great to walk her to school.  I had to go this morning because we had the whole Last Name thing to deal with.  Not only did the letter home regarding 5th grade refer to her as Tuesday Todaro, it referred to John and myself as Mr. and Mrs. Todaro.  How funny is that?!?  Um, Mr. and Mrs. Todaro are my parents!!  So I needed to go to the office and correct her name.  I gave her the option--I could let her teacher know about her name or she could.  5th grade now, you know.  I don't want to make her look uncool in front of her friends.  It was a treat that she wanted me to explain it to her teacher.

So at 8am we headed out the door.  She was sporting a brand new backpack which matches her birthday lunchbox from Amie (thanks again, Amie!).  The backpack had to weigh 25 pounds, I swear!  It was ridiculous.  Full of all the supplies they request you have for your first day of school.  We walked to school with some friends of ours, Tuesday taking my hand a couple times during our six block walk.  We dropped the girls off with their respective new 5th grade teachers.  Tuesday's teacher seemed great.  Friendly, classy enough to demand respect.  I explained the name change in the briefest of ways.  "She was enrolled as Tuesday Todaro last year but this year she's Tuesday McKee."  The teacher looked at Tuesday and said "You'll have to correct me today but tomorrow I'll remember it."  Students and parents were backing up in the hallway behind us at the bottleneck of a doorway.  I looked down at her and said "Have a great first day, babe" and to my delight, she looked up and puckered her lips for a kiss.  I obliged, pinching her cheeks in my hand to pucker her up further before heading down the hall, delighting in that kiss.  A quick check in at the office, the exchange of paperwork, the smile from the woman, knowing how hard won that little change was.  A quick tour through the sign up sheets in the gym.  Flouride Lady and Library Helper for me, and then the walk home.

Its a big difference, this year from last year.  I didn't know much on the first day last year.  I had figured out what clothes to send her in, what shoes she should wear.  I knew about how much food she would eat in half an hour, between all the talking with her friends.  I knew what time to send her and when to expect her home if she were walking.

I didn't know that it was okay for me to dote on her that day.  I didn't know that I should go in with her that day.  I didn't know the questions to ask after the first day.  I didn't know that it would be cool with her if I volunteered at the school.

It all winds up at the same place.  Its totally okay for me to be interested, to care and to express that caring.  Not only is it okay, but it makes her happy, which in turn makes me happy, which in turn makes her happy.  Its a really great cycle.

I had wanted to take her school shopping before school started.  For about a dozen reasons, we simply ran out of time for it.  When I approached her the other night about going, I told her we could make a day of it, in a couple of weeks.  Take the whole day, go out for lunch together, the works.  She sucked in her breath, raised her eyebrows and flapped her hands, exclaiming, "I could use my 'Shop Till You Drop' coupon!!!"  Glee.  Delight. 

I don't know why I would assume that she WOULDN'T be so excited to spend that time with me.  I'm glad I'm pushing it a bit.  By 7th grade, 8th at the outside, I'm sure I'll be totally uncool and the idea of hanging out with me, let alone kissing me in school, will be simply unfathomable. 

Or perhaps it won't be.  Perhaps we will be friends.  Perhaps I'll be that seemingly rare mom who can talk about boys, periods, choices, situations, all without making her uncomfortable.  Perhaps I'll be so cool I'll even have her friends confidence.  I'll find out with time, I'm sure.  Aim high, work for it, and understand that as long as I'm Doing My Best for her, I can't be too hard on myself.  

Either way, I'm going to soak up every bit of the love and sweetness I can get.  Love, when it comes down to it, is a pretty freakin' amazing thing.

So when she came home, having had a great day, I was thrilled.  I've missed so much time with her.  Not that I can undo that, or make up for it, but I can try to catch up, remembering all the while, every bit of it is a big freaking gift.  Remembering not to take any of it for granted.

On The Eve

Tonight we're wrapping up a wonderful two week visit from our friends Bill & Linda and their kids. They're friends from "back east". Out here, that can mean anything as far west as Fargo, apparently.  These friends happen to be from the Far East--Connecticut.

And as their visit winds down, so too does our summer. Tomorrow Tuesday goes back to school.

We as a family are learning about back to school. There's the sigh of relief--the hectic summer is finally over and we can catch our breath and go back into our routines. Time to start thinking about fall, fall clothes, indoor activities, making sure we've got enough firewood, crockpot meals... At the same time, its the end of a wonderful summer together--this one more so than ever before.

And as I said, we're learning about all of this. This is, after all, only our second Back To School year.

So goodbye getting up at 8am. Goodbye Tuesday reading until 10am. Goodbye long, lazy camping weekends. Goodbye no dress code, weeks without daycare, forgetting what day of the week it is...

And hello school clothes, packed lunches, love notes from me in school books, homework, after school activities, waiting until 3pm to go out for the weekend.

And so we recognize another step in the cycle. One step closer to high school, to prom, to her heading to college, one step closer to Coop in kindergarten, driving lessons, dating...

So here I sit, very contented with where we are right now. Its easier than it has been and I'm sure it'll get harder at some point. For now, another milestone, another thing we share as a family.

Here's hoping you're feeling good tonight, too.