The Good, The Bad and The Swine Flu

On Wednesday this week, Tuesday woke up with a fever and a cough.  I thought she'd probably come down with the strep throat that John and I each took a turn with recently.  Turns out, I was right.  But in addition, she's also got swine flu.

So there are antibiotics for the strep, Tamiflu for the flu, lots of hand washing and a great deal of time in her room. 

I had already called the school to tell them she'd be out on Wednesday.  I had to call them back to let them know that she'd be out for the rest of the week instead.  Armed with my first doctor's note, I headed over to the school after class was done, to pick up her assignments.  Boy, was that an enlightening trip.  Turns out, Tuesday has been less than truthful when it comes to her homework, of late.  Now, we're not even quite done with the first quarter and yet, she's now got a whole list of assignments she failed to turn in.  Needless to say, all books came home and there were big discussions to be had.

I took some time to think over how to handle it.  What's the goal?  The goal is to have strong trust and open communication between all the members of our family.  So what's the best way to help her see where she is now and where the rest of us are?  Do we try to convey to her how it makes us feel when she tells lies?  Do we yell at her?  I spent a lot of time thinking before I opened my mouth at all to her.

To her credit, when caught in her lies, she fessed up immediately.  Explained that she didn't want to do her homework.  She wanted to play with her friends instead.  In fourth grade, there wasn't a whole lot of time for playing after school.  This year, with the lighter homework load, it was pretty doable.  Or so we thought.

The conversation progressed.  We explained the value of trust and what she'd lost by lying to us.  How hard she was going to have to work to gain our trust back.  We talked about the work she needed to complete and take back to school when she got better.  We talked about her attitude to her school work.  We also talked about her punishment, which we feel is very fair.  She knows she's now got two weeks to make some big improvements in how she behaves and if she succeeds, her life will get a little more fun.  If she doesn't do a good job starting to earn our trust back, I told her that I would get myself WAY more involved in her life--not give her a single opportunity to lie to me.  I told her that this is because I love her, not because she's being punished. 

And with all of that off to a good start, she told me that the lie didn't sit well in her stomach.  That she's glad its out.  She didn't freak out about her punishment, although it was pretty clear that the further consequences would bother the heck out of her. 

The part that has me a little freaked out is the wondering how I missed her lies.  I was the kind of kid who would lie about homework.  I was mostly the kind of kid who wasn't asked about homework, but if asked, I imagine I could lie pretty easily.  So how the hell is it that I couldn't smell her lies a mile away.  I was onto one of them, but I didn't push it far enough.  Too much distance between me and her teacher.  Well, not anymore. 

All told, I think we handled things pretty well.  We didn't yell, we explained the consequences of her actions, we explained what we expected of her and what kind of behavior is and is not okay.  We talked about why it all mattered so much and the value of trust in a family.

It may seem like a big day for a kid with the swine flu but you'd be surprised--it comes off much more like a cold than a flu.  She's laughing and running around, reading and playing.  She's very much like her regular old self.

Yesterday she got up and got started on her homework.  John was home with her while I was out at work and Cooper was at daycare.  It was about 10.30 when I got the call.  Cooper has a fever.

Turns out, Coop has the flu, too.  And he also is now on Tamiflu and doing remarkably well for someone fluish. 

He wandered downstairs yesterday while Tuesday was in her room working on her homework.  He was bummed because he didn't have any homework to do.  A quick trip to the store for a letters and numbers activity book has repaired that.  He's very excited to sit down with us now and work on his assignments. 

Tuesday was told last night that she needed to come up with a plan for how she was going to get all of her assignments for this week done by Sunday.  I was actually impressed--she made herself a spreadsheet!  The girl made out a spreadsheet to separate the days of the week and which assignments she was going to do each day.  That's pretty freaking cool.  We spent a little time with her spreadsheet, made a couple of tweaks and had a total plan before bedtime last night.

So this morning, she's already eaten her breakfast, taken her medicine and decided on her own to get her butt upstairs to get cracking on her work.  We'll see how well it goes, but its certainly off to a good start.

Every day is littered with opportunities to excel or crash and burn in the parenting department.  It a lot of freaking work to try to make good decisions all the time.  And to reevaluate the decisions you've already made, looking for room for improvement.  I find places I could have done better sometimes and when I do, I try to remember them for the future.  I don't' beat myself up about them, but I hang onto them.  This week's round of lying I think we handled well and I'm proud of it. 

I still have no idea what I'm doing as a parent.  After nearly two years with Tuesday I feel like I'm starting to define my thesis for raising a girl.  I'm establishing the framework I want to have in place for being a good parent to a daughter. I'm learning, and I'm proud of that.

I know she's learning, too.  She's learning a lot about behaviors, about lifestyles, about decision making, about love and trust...  She's got a pretty full plate and she's got the tools at her disposal to make her way through all of it. 

I don't worry about her in the long term.  Not yet anyway.  I worry about her short term decision making, but I don't worry about her heart or her morals.  She's a very compassionate girl but she's also reckless.  She's going to have to learn how to control some of that as she gets older.

Every one of the challenges we face together is an opportunity to grow stronger as individuals and as a family.  As long as we keep our focus in the right place, we're going to be fine.  All of us.  Together.